Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Heartest Heartship

You’ve asked for it…now you’ve got it! I guess one post every three years will do. Unfortunately this post isn’t as cool or happy as getting engaged. No family news, no pictures, no gossip, no whining and complaining...I don't know why anyone would even read this!

People, who really know me, know that I will do anything for anyone and that I want everyone to be happy. You could say I live for that. I offer my service to people and when people actually take me up on it, I’ll do it (I’m unfortunately getting to the point where I’m giving up on helping because people always say they're okay and don't need help...which I’ve got to change). Nothing makes me happier than to help other people and that was one of the things I loved most about running my own business; I could take off at any moment to help out. Pick up someone from school, mow a lawn, go to a recital, visit people in need (although I never did that as often as I should have) etc. That has also been my prayer and desire throughout my adult life: I want to be in a position that if the Lord asks of me anything, I’m in the position to do it. It gives me so much joy, it is what I live for: to serve other people. I only wish that I could do more. Like I said I’m more than willing to help out when people ask, but rarely will people let me (which is another blog post in and of itself…don’t get your hopes up, probably not going to happen). Not only will people not let me, but I no longer have that ability I once had. I work full time, go to school full time, and don’t have the money I used to.

That all being said, the message of this post was brought on by this: It has been a long time since I have ached for someone so badly and been unable to do anything about it as I do right now.

I know how it is to feel helpless. To love someone with all your heart, see them in so much pain they can hardly stand it, they would rather die than live through the pain, and yet be unable to do anything for them. It was the hardest thing I’ve yet to go through. In fact the outcome was I quit. I gave up. It was so hard on me that I couldn’t live with it. I look up to and ache so badly for the people who don’t have that choice, who are dealt a hand so hard, they want to give up, they want any solution but the ones being dealt, but they can’t or it doesn’t happen.

I guess like everything else in this life, it’s one of those experiences to help us learn what we’re here on Earth for: to become more like our Heavenly Father. I don’t think that the next life is going to be any easier than this one. I think that the challenges are just going to be different and more difficult but we will have the tools and abilities to deal with them. I think that people who are able to stick through the many seemingly impossible circumstances being doled out are that much further ahead than the rest of us as far as having an understanding to what God went/goes through.

One quote that has touched me more often than most in my life comes from, of all things, a book about fly-fishing. It deals more with a wayward child/friend/brother, but I feel it’s applicable to so much more.

“Each one of here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”

As I choke back tears every time my thoughts go to my dear brother and his parents, as I continually ask what, if anything, can I do, as the old feelings of helplessness arise once again, I can only turn my desires and prayers to a loving Heavenly Father who is all knowing and have faith that He knows what is best, that He knows what He is doing. I’ll continue to love, I’ll continue to ache, I’ll continue to plead, hoping that one of these things will make a difference. I look forward to the day that I better understand the lessons that we’re supposed to learn from others trials.

I still don't know the answer as to what I can do to help, not just for him, but for everyone in need. I don't know if I ever will. I only pray that one day I will.