The Heartest Heartship

You’ve asked for it…now you’ve got it! I guess one post every three years will do. Unfortunately this post isn’t as cool or happy as getting engaged. No family news, no pictures, no gossip, no whining and complaining...I don't know why anyone would even read this!

People, who really know me, know that I will do anything for anyone and that I want everyone to be happy. You could say I live for that. I offer my service to people and when people actually take me up on it, I’ll do it (I’m unfortunately getting to the point where I’m giving up on helping because people always say they're okay and don't need help...which I’ve got to change). Nothing makes me happier than to help other people and that was one of the things I loved most about running my own business; I could take off at any moment to help out. Pick up someone from school, mow a lawn, go to a recital, visit people in need (although I never did that as often as I should have) etc. That has also been my prayer and desire throughout my adult life: I want to be in a position that if the Lord asks of me anything, I’m in the position to do it. It gives me so much joy, it is what I live for: to serve other people. I only wish that I could do more. Like I said I’m more than willing to help out when people ask, but rarely will people let me (which is another blog post in and of itself…don’t get your hopes up, probably not going to happen). Not only will people not let me, but I no longer have that ability I once had. I work full time, go to school full time, and don’t have the money I used to.

That all being said, the message of this post was brought on by this: It has been a long time since I have ached for someone so badly and been unable to do anything about it as I do right now.

I know how it is to feel helpless. To love someone with all your heart, see them in so much pain they can hardly stand it, they would rather die than live through the pain, and yet be unable to do anything for them. It was the hardest thing I’ve yet to go through. In fact the outcome was I quit. I gave up. It was so hard on me that I couldn’t live with it. I look up to and ache so badly for the people who don’t have that choice, who are dealt a hand so hard, they want to give up, they want any solution but the ones being dealt, but they can’t or it doesn’t happen.

I guess like everything else in this life, it’s one of those experiences to help us learn what we’re here on Earth for: to become more like our Heavenly Father. I don’t think that the next life is going to be any easier than this one. I think that the challenges are just going to be different and more difficult but we will have the tools and abilities to deal with them. I think that people who are able to stick through the many seemingly impossible circumstances being doled out are that much further ahead than the rest of us as far as having an understanding to what God went/goes through.

One quote that has touched me more often than most in my life comes from, of all things, a book about fly-fishing. It deals more with a wayward child/friend/brother, but I feel it’s applicable to so much more.

“Each one of here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”

As I choke back tears every time my thoughts go to my dear brother and his parents, as I continually ask what, if anything, can I do, as the old feelings of helplessness arise once again, I can only turn my desires and prayers to a loving Heavenly Father who is all knowing and have faith that He knows what is best, that He knows what He is doing. I’ll continue to love, I’ll continue to ache, I’ll continue to plead, hoping that one of these things will make a difference. I look forward to the day that I better understand the lessons that we’re supposed to learn from others trials.

I still don't know the answer as to what I can do to help, not just for him, but for everyone in need. I don't know if I ever will. I only pray that one day I will.

I'm Engaged!!!

Well this weekend on the 22nd of August 2008 I asked Lisa Gunnell to marry me and she just happened to say yes! Since I'm sure that everyone is wondering how it went down...Here ya Go!

I did it up at Bear Lake on the Beach, and for the first time in my life I pulled off a surprise and she had NO idea it was coming! We went on a walk by the water and while we were walking I had my sister and her sister come down and lay roses on the beach so we’d find them on the way back. On each rose was a reason that I loved her...her smile....the fact that she tries to let me beat her at ping pong, but i still can't...she's so understanding and loving...etc.. At the first rose she looked at me and asked when I’d had the time to do this! It was pitch black and we had a flashlight, so she turned off the flashlight cuz she thought it was the only one and I was just being cute. Well we walked 10 more feet and there was another one. She said that she figured out what was going on about the 5^th rose…and started crying. Well we got to the 12^th rose and she picked it up and said ‘What no cute saying?!’ and I looked at her and said ‘Nope, this one is a verbal note!’ I told her that this week had been everything I had imagined it would be in regards to getting engaged, full of excitement and good anxiety, and that I loved her with all my heart and got down on one knee and asked if she’d marry me! She was crying, but said yes and then we just stood there and hugged for a while. She wouldn’t let go so I finally had to ask " Do you mind if I put on the ring!? " and then she hugged me again for a while and I had to say again...‘umm I think that there are people up at the cabin who are anxious to know your answer’ It’s been a lot of fun and we're super excited.

Carol Clawson

Carol Clawson passed away last week. Many of you won't know her and won't even blink but I wanted to write some of the memories I had of her and about some of the many regrets that I'm sure we all have.

Growing up I lived in Don and Carol's ward and every week after piano lessons I would go up and spend an hour or two eating and talking with her. It was a fun experience for me and I'm sure it meant a lot to her...or at least I hope it did and that I wasn't just an annoyance.

We moved and of course I stopped seeing her. She'd be around at some family functions and I'd give her a hug and she'd kiss me on my cheek, but not an every week thing. She got old and couldn't walk but she always had a smile and a kiss for me when I saw her. The sad thing and the thing I regret is not visiting more and seeing her smile and helping out more. I think we all have that regret through life. We all have desires to serve and help those in need, but we all get tied up in life and forget what's important because I'm sure that how well David sings this week isn't really going to help anyone in the long run.

Hypothermia and broken fingers!

Well Jonathan and Mandy got into the blogisphere so I guess that means I'll have to start taking pictures and telling people about my lame life more now! I won't be outdone! But...seeming that I don't have a baby...I think I'm in trouble.

This weekend we, Lisa, Katie and my singles ward, went and floated the Provo river. Well it seemed like a good idea when I invited Lisa and Katie to go seeming that it has been hotter than Russia lately but ended up being just the opposite. It was good company and a lot of fun people were there, but the problem came when we didn't put in until 8 PM! The sun may have still been shining elsewhere, but we were in a canyon and it got cold QUICK! Us three put in last because we had been asked to 'take up the rear to make sure no one died' they may have rethought that had they known how much I hate water, especially cold water.

Things were going just fine until we got to the infamous bridge! Let's just say we didn't navigate it so well. We came out with 2 of us off our tubes, me very cold now, and Katie with a broken finger. After that with Katie saying she was going to barf and Lisa getting the beginnings of hypothermia we decided to get out and walk the rest of the river. And yes I'm going to blame it all on the girls. It's my blog I can do whatever I want to!

It was a fun trip and I'm glad that we went, but we will never go again unless we're in a raft or going down at 3 in the afternoon!

Hiking...

I've been hiking twice in the past couple of days and LOVE it! Here are a couple of pics I posted. You don't usually see pics from hiking of the valley...I'd forgotten how cool Ensign Peak was!

Stranger than Will?

I have a new recommendation on a movie. Last night I watched Stranger Than Fiction staring Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman and the wierd guy off of Arrested Development Tony Hale (it's not really staring him, he's just in it I just liked him in A.D. so yeah...).
I'm not a huge fan of Will Ferrell. His movies are ok so I usually don't go out of my way to watch them. Well, Will was nothing like himself in these movies. SNL Will Ferrell turned into a decent actor! It was a semi-clean movie (you do see fat guys butts showering which is kind of awkward...) with a good message at the end that made me realize that there is still some good in the world!
I don't want to give away anything so unfortunately can't really comment on the movie.

first post

This is my first attempt at a blog and since i haven't notified anybody about it i'm sure no one will read this but i dont care